Yes! I am angry.

I am irritated...I am hurt.

When I tried to go to that happy place...I feel like running away and hitting someone in the head.

The worst problem is "I don't have a freaking clue why I feel the way I feel"

Right now in this very instant, I hate people. I hate that they don't care. I also hate that they care. Of course I know that I am not going to do anything about it. Most probably I will remain distant and aloof, as I always do when I get into this mood. Hardly 2 or 3 people will even realize that I am in a bad mood and that too if I want to. I don't expect them to pamper me. But I cannot stand when they turn their face away either. I don't even know what I expect any more.

Oh Himalayas, where have you gone?

In my hour of need, you seem so distant.

Those glorious days when I escaped counting just one

into a world far away from this bewilderment.

A day or two and I know things will be back normal. But do I even want it to be normal. The same old scene will repeat once more weighed by the tiny different problems which would finally have gone too far to handle. Is it so bad to hope for a permanent solution? Is it so tough to actually find one? Right now I want to be free. Free to be angry. Free to take some time off and not care about anything else in the world. Free to figure it out and put an end to 'it'.

Having realized, in one of those painfully guilty moment, that I don't read or write as much as I wanted to, I decided to follow some no-nonsense, practical measures to keep my love with books intact. A few clicks and couple of stumbles finally lead me to the '2012 Reading Challenge'. I initially thought of putting a target of some 100 books (Wow Alen Wow). That would mean 1 book every 3.65 days. Really not happening unless it is an year when I am completely jobless! So here it goes:

Target: 20 books

Finished: 13 books (what a lucky number)

How I feel: painfully guilty

Micro by Michael Crichton, March 30

What a start. One of the most absurd book I have ever read. A big fan of State of Fear and Congo, I thought it was a safe option to try Crichton. Alas! The book resembled a gargled vomit of words in which the author got neither the theme or the story right. Add to that he finds an innovative way to kill the hero towards the middle of the story. Even 30 pages to the end of the book, I was referring back to the initial pages to find out who is who. I swore I wouldn't touch a Crichton book after going through that ordeal.

So let us try someone new now. The Five Greatest Warriors by Matthew Reilly, April 20 2012. I had huge expectations after reading the synopsis. I had just quit Infy and was preparing for a very long vacation. What a way to start a vacation. I don't remember anything about the book now(apart from Jesus being one of the 5 warriors) which pretty much explains how the book was. 

Am I maturing as a reader?? or is it just that my choices have gone bad...

Well never the one to quit so easily, it was time to go for the tried and tested path of finding good reads. I called my friend and asked him what he was reading. A Game of Thrones was an amazing find and A Song of Ice and Fire by Martin George kept me occupied for the next 20 days. For an avid fantasy fiction fan like me, the book was a must-read. Very mature! Definitely not something that I would recommend to my younger cousins. The author has also truly etched the true nature of power and politics in his brilliant narrative. The first 3 books were excellent but he went a little too far with the next two books needlessly dragging the story while explaining things to the minutest details. Even an author has to pay his bills and eat his meals I guess.

A bit of rest and I finally decided to try the Shiva Triology by Amish Tripathi, May 19 and May 20. The Immortals of Meluha was an enchanting book which took me completely by surprise. Both the books were sweet and short reads and kudos to the author. I hope he keeps innovating his style and philosophy unlike Chetan Bhagat. Anxiously awaiting for my pre-ordered copy of The Oath of the Vayuputras now.

Damn. Then MBA happened. I had heard stories of how Bschool life would eat ones time and life.  Stories of sleepless nights and sleep-filled classes. Horrors of the never ending case studies, the ever stressful summers and the Time that just slips away from your hands. The next four months proved that all of them were true. By the time I took my next book The Perks of being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, it was already September. But under the circumstances, I couldn't have asked for a better book. Different, thought-provoking and the second time I liked a book written in the letter format.

Enough is enough. Professors may not really care about our time, but I do! I started reading books in class and finished both How I Braved Anu Aunty and Co-Founded a Million Dollar Company by Varun Agarwal, September 19 and The Amulet of Samarkand by Jonathan Stroud, October 08. I don't enjoy reading in class like I used to do back in my school days. The profs are too disturbing and what the hell is "Class Participation".

But all was whisked away by the next book I read. A true classic which swept me off my feet at the very first page. Like many times It was my brother who suggested this book. It was magical two days as I poured on and on through the pages of The Shadow of the Wind by Carlos Ruiz Zaffon, October 10. There are no words to explain this book. It took me to a world which I seemed to have forgotten long back and evoked emotions which surprised myself. I did shed a few tears and that for me is the biggest thing which any book or movie can do to me. It also remains the only book that I have given a 5 star rating in Goodreads through the entire reading challenge.

Tried and failed again. The Black Swan: The Impact of the Highly Improbable by Nassim Nicholas Taleb still remains in the unread list. I cannot remember how many times I have started reading this book without being able to finish it. A false start to The Winning Way: Learnings from sport for managers by Harsha Bhogle and it remains incomplete in the shelf. I have lost interest completely after reading some 300 pages of Like a Virgin: Secrets They Won't Teach You at Business by Richard Branson. I think I am just not cut out for reading these non-fiction books or maybe it is just a phase.

p.s. 2013 Reading Challenge...Target 25 books

p.p.s 2 Blogs in 10 days. OMG! I am on a roll

p.p.p.s This must be one of the longest post that I have ever published

p.p.p.p.s I still love post scripts

and suddenly it hits me that I have not made a single post in the entire year of 2012. My plan for redemption is to allow my dear blog two questions. Why only two? Well I cant think of a 3rd question that is why...

So what happened in 2012?  

Oh yeah! The big life changing decision; I quit my job and decided to do an MBA. After going back to studies, I realized that it was never that much fun in the first place. 

Got into my first major bike accident and that too on a 250 km biking trip. Not sure if it counts since I was not driving...hmmm!! The biggest takeaway from the accident is that my camera bag is super awesome. A 70 kmph fall and my DSLR is still intact. Not even a scratch.

The year yet again proved that I am sucker for relationships. Every wall that I had put between myself and others was shattered by some amazing people. Two years before, Infosys proved that life is more than just networking. I thought MBA will finally put an end to all this 'Friends' nonsense and drive some cold hearted, realistic, no nonsense networking skills into my arsenal. Alas! I don't know half the people in my college(so much for networking) and I made FRIENDS in a b-school (imagine the horror).

So what about 2013?

Well what about it! I have no freaking clue what is going happen this year. But I do know that I am amazingly happy these days (God knows why...) and perhaps it will be another awesome year like Mr. 12.